What with the Indian Rupee touching 56/- to a US Dollar; lots of scams; inflation and unemployment declaring a war on the Indian government; and other unsolvable problems like finding a consensus Presidential candidate, we could well have predicted it: the top think-tank of Indian leadership has hatched a secret export-oriented plan that will fetch literally billions of dollars. Also, no MP will go on a fast about it, as this scheme will be more successful and less controversial than IPL.
The scheme is simple. The world is fed up of stories of military and police excesses in interrogating and 'mind-bending' deviant or terrorist characters. There ought to be no more shock and horror for the shaky leaders found out in sting operations by avaricious media on Guantanamo etc. And just think.. there are literally milions of such characters whom the governments want to take care of, so that they don't cause any more trouble. at a rough count, some 25 million in Africa, some 100 million in troubled parts of Central Asia and the Middle East, and lots more in India and China. I am not even counting US and Europe and Russia and Latin America yet.
What the world needs is a safe and effective 'mind bender' or 'brain softener', guaranteed to destroy these uncooperative human minds with least effort and bloodshed.
Well, come to India then!
Come to our shining incredible India. We will put you up in a nice 3/4/5/7 star hotel. Well first time it will be you, and if you survive the experience and want your worst enemies to suffer such experience, then pay us good old USD's and we will guarantee the experience:
- The culprit will be hosted in a nice AC hotel room.
- He will be tied to the TV remote.
- He will watch Indian cable TV for 24 hours a day.
- He can surf any channel, since almost ALL channels have the same bilge. (That's some quality control and Censor Board effectiveness for you),
- He can order room service and eat Goby Manchurian, Masala Peanuts, and really creamy and heavy north Indian dishes with rice or nan any number of times a day.
- Nobody will answer any calls for help.
- No Internet or Mobile as these are mischievous portals to freedom and trouble. (Ask Sibal.)
After 3 days of non-stop watching of Indian TV, the human being will be destroyed to bits. He will dream feverishly of ugly and sweaty characters constantly jumping around in scenes like the shot above, with some miscellaneous humans jumping in sync in the background.
The music will be totally inane, with loud drums and meaningless repetitions of words like Dil, Pyar, Mohabbat, Dhadak Dhadak, Chutak Chutak etc.
He will suffer big bouts of indigestion, but will be too mindless to do anything about it.
He will be constantly fantasising about ticker tape ads for instant hair growth, slimming in six days, Buy One Vacuum Cleaner and Get One Free, Kuber Yantra, Yog Shibir, Learn Kriya Yoga by Post etc.
He will learn to listen to erudite folks screaming at each other in seven PIP windows on Prime Time Debate on issues such as which is a bigger crime, rape or murder. The moderator, with long eyelashes and cascading hair, or sometimes a heavy suit and tie, will pretend to interject and close the debate in 20 minutes or so. Meanwhile a number of ads will urge the viewer to buy 3G Idea or such stating that 3G is a sure way to avoid making babies or a means to enjoy free IPL watching in after-life.
This method of torture will surely soften any brain and yield quick results, with no blood shed and also earn India good Forex.
Take care, be happy. Enjoy 3 days and 4 nights free stay in Highlight Hotel with scenic views and excellent airport transfers. Unlimited Cable TV and Gobi Manchurian.Please pay 100% in advance as your sanity will be suspect after the stay.
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