Shirt Vastu

There was a guy sitting next to me on the plane, as I flew back from the Himalayas. He had prominent religious marks painted on his forehead, and wore a solid rudraksha garland. He was pretty much staring at everyone on the plane, especially the shirts they wore. He answered my quizzical look with a question: Do you believe in astrology and vastu? I said my favourite number was 7, but I did not believe astrology was a useful thing, riddled with quacks and tricksters exploiting the gullible. A look of infinite sadness came over him, and he muttered, Buddha-like, that I was highly misguided about India's priceless heritage.

Andhra Swami, for that was his name, had already saved millions by helping them reconfigure and reposition their doors, windows, stairs and wells, water pots and kitchen sinks, apart from gas stoves and grills. But in a blinding flash of genius, he realised that the real vastu effects untackled till today were happening right next to a man's bosom... in his shirt! In our male-dominated society, we have been recklessly ruining our future with mindless and thoughtless and often tasteless choice of shirtage. Well, for Andhra Swami, it was a revelation and he moved swiftly to create a huge Shirt Vastu business.

He told me, looking directly into my eyes, how Tipu Sultan wore his long shirt with the wrong number of buttons, only to be killed in battle. Shivaji Maharaj wore a kind of sarong with no stitches, and beat Aurangzeb. Lord Mountbatten wore his famous coat with the right number of pockets, all in the right places, except the inner left pocket, That made his Lady stray towards a man who wore, on the advice of a Banarasi sadhu, always a Scottish pink rose in his button hole.

Andhra Swami used numerology, graphology and some plain psychology to figure out the colour, fabric, number of pockets, type of stitch, collar size, sleeve length, front or rear buttoning (Yes!), slits on the side, number of buttons, left- or right-side up etc. to optimise Nature's blessing for every man, so that he would succeed in profession, business, family, bed room, and bath room. He would not need to go to other astrologers any more. Least of all Vastu and Feng Shui. You see, God works his wonders right next to our skin. We need look no further!

Andhra Swami also has arrangements with the leading clothiers and shirt-makers of the world from Italy to Irinjalakuda, so one can get the goods made and delivered quickly and easily.

I will not share his long analysis of my fate and choice of upper garment. Suffice to say, when he offered his services and named his fee, I felt I would have to lose my shirt to pay him. USD 200 per consult!

Phew. I am changing to Angavastram. No more shirts.