“Hello, God, may I have a word with You please?” India's Prime Minister, Dr. Manmohan Singh, looks all frazzled and bleary-eyed behind his spectacles as he croaks into the phone.
You see, it's not only Obama who has a Red Telephone on his desk. The Indian PM's office too has one in South Block. This antique phone instrument has in the Mahatma's own handwriting the famous motto of India, “Satyameva Jayate”. The Mahatma gave it to Nehru just before he was assassinated for his unfashionable beliefs. Nehru knew it was a hot-line to God, but actually he didn't care much for the Fellow and did not trust Him too much - not sure whether he would buy Nehru's patented Panchsheela. Later PMs had never till date felt so stressed out as to reach out to God, being quite able to manage the nation and survive wars, government collapses, gold auctions and of course scams.
“Yes, Manmohan, what's it?” God does not seem to be in the mood for a friendly chat.
“You see, God, it's this $40B scam of 2G. Yes I know God, these days everyone talks of 4G, but You should know that in India we have a policy of calibrated progress. So it's 2G that's hurting me, and I am at my wit's end how to manage this crisis and I need Your help”.
“Why, Manmohan, didn't your coalition partner dismiss the whole thing as a purely “notional” loss?”
“But God, only Tamil movie-goers will swallow that bit. Remember I was at Harvard”.
“But then Manmohan, why don't you do what Obama did – he printed a trillion dollars of green-backs and gave it out to all those who were involved in defrauding pensioners and home owners. In fact, you can give 1.77 Lakh Crore rupees in crisp 1000 Rupee notes to your coalition partners”.
“God, this is no time to be sarcastic. Need I remind you that you have promised in the Bhagavadgita that,
“ Yada yada hi dharmasya glanirbhavati Bharata/Abhyutthanam adharmasya tadatmanam srujamyaham!”? Righteousness is in a crisis in India and there is no better time to come down and help me, God!”
God bursts out testily. “Don't quote Me back to Myself! That Gita is one thing I regret the most. All of you down there constantly misquote Me out of context to justify your actions!
“Just the other day I confronted a serial floor crosser of a politician. You know what he said? “Vasamsi jirnani yatha vihaya, navani gruhnati naroparani/Tatha shareerani vihaya jirnani anyani samyati navani dehe!” No wonder politicians travel from losing parties to greener pastures all the time in their politics of convenience, not conscience. They say they only follow my Gita!
''And then there is this billionaire tycoon who goes for Tirupati grand darshan every time he gyps someone of a billion or more, sometimes even his brother, and quotes My words:
“Sarva dharman parityajya mamekam sharanam vraja/Aham tvam sarva papebhyo mokshaishyami ma shuchah!”meaning that I have Myself advised him to forsake all righteous paths and simply surrender to Me at Tirupati and everytime I will absolve him of all sins, so no worries!
“And do you know what the Chief Justice quoted to the public interest litigant about the scams?
He quoted My Gita: “Ishavarah sarvabhutanam hruddesherjuna tishthati/Bhramayan sarvabutani yantrarudhani mayaya!” meaning that it's God alone who resides in everyone's heart and makes people go around doing what they do, through His own maya!”
“But God, only YOU can make THIS shloka come true: Yada Yada...”
God says with irritation, “Don't go yaDa yaDa quoting me. Do you know the complete quotation at least? The next stanza completes what you recited. “Paritranaya sadhunam vinashaya cha dushkrutan/Dharma samshtapanarthaya sambhavami yuge yuge!”
“I would come down only to save the righteous. I am looking for them and for a reason to come down, but I don't see anyone or anything so pristine that they are worth saving.
“To tell you the truth, Manmohan, I have almost given up. I came as Rama, and I spent most of My time wandering in the forest; there was no improvement in anything. Then I came down as Krishna, and people thought I was there for a dance party. Recently I came down as Buddha and told them to abandon meaningless ritual and meditate, and they simply created an industry to make and worship my statues.
“After my recent MBA, I started delegating. And what happened? All these god-men I sent down are busy buying up prime real-estate, erecting temples to themselves, or cooking up some sacred magic potions, or getting caught on video doing any kind of hanky panky. There are umpteen TV channels showing their tamasha with disco-style bhajans.
“I tell you, Manmohan, go cook your own 2Goose!”
